I stood there motionless, staring at her, words ceased, as she bade a tearful goodbye, and was escorted back, this was it, this was the last time that I would be seeing her, So much to say, so much to be done, For one last time she turned back and looked at me with tears swelling in her eyes, before the guard whisked her out of my sight, the guard assigned to me was pulling me away from the iron grill separating us, I fanatically held on to the bars, but eventually I had to give in.
I was escorted back to my 4 X 8 cell, where I had been put up since the day the trial ended, it had been a dreadful period, the memory of which was like an appalling nightmare, the hours of interrogation, the torture, the cross examinations and the written statements it was a never ending cycle, But all of it ceased in a slow and phased manner once the judgment was given, “To be hanged till death”, the whole court gave a sigh of relief, the lawyer defending me seemed like he had no remorse about having lost the case, infact right from the first day of the trial, he appeared as if he had no intention or will to win the case at all, on the contrary, he did put in a lot of effort, I didn’t feel like blaming him, what more could he have done?
Finally the day was nearing, the day that “The Teacher” had promised, It would have come much earlier, similar to my companions, had it not been for that brave officer, who held on to me even after I had emptied all my bullets into his body, his grip as strong as that of a lion’s on its prey, all my training, all my strength proved futile, nothing that I had learnt could free me from his clutches, and his ferocious gaze, it has been haunting me since that fateful day.
The solitary confinement had given me an opportunity to think, to introspect, it was as if I had always missed this aspect of myself, as if I had ignored this part of me, but now with time on my side, I had started to discover a different part of myself, sometimes I dreaded it, sometimes I questioned my beliefs, my actions, The Teacher’s teachings, was there any truth in whatever he had proclaimed and preached?
As the door to my cell closed behind me and the same old darkness prevailed, I dragged myself to the concrete bed cemented to the wall, and sat on it, I could sense the presence of death all around me, it was right there just waiting for the opportune moment to cast the noose around my neck, I could feel the cacophony of the vultures hovering over the sky waiting for my body to disintegrate, I wasn’t able to determine what that thin strand of emotion was, that was keeping me alive and wait for the inevitable to happen, was it fear, or was it a deep sense of remorse? With such vague and disturbing thoughts bothering my already cluttered mind I rose to take some water from the earthen pot and God was I shocked to see him standing there right against the stone wall, I almost lost my balance and stumbled on to the ground.
Who are you, and what in God’s name are you doing here? I asked trying to regain my balance and my senses.
He just smiled, and said, “I am supposed to be your new cell mate, did you expect some formal introduction or something”.
I couldn’t make out much of him in the darkness; all I could make out was that he was also dressed in prison clothes, just like me.
“I haven’t had a cell mate for the last three months, why would they accommodate one for tonight”, I asked still trying to see his face, which was hidden in the dark
“That’s one hell of a question, let me see, hmm, Probably they realized that, you cant cause them any more trouble, how about this, maybe they thought you needed some company, or maybe they wanted me to make sure you didn’t try anything stupid, Dumb-head, how do I know what made them put me as a cell mate to an already finished, spineless coward”.
I had heard a lot of such filthy names, since the day I was apprehended, over a period of time I had got used to it, yet, don’t know why coming from him made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
Not knowing how to react, I went to the door, and banged on it, to draw the attention of the guard on duty, I for so much wanted to ask this guy to be removed, I was happy the way I was, I didn’t need any company, at least not tonight, but there was no response from the other side, they just didn’t seem to bother.
“Looks like, we are left with no other choice but to spend your last night in this world together huh!!” he exclaimed.
I refrained from responding to his comments, there were a lot of thoughts going through my mind, what if he was someone sent by “The Teacher” to make sure of my end, but that didn’t make any sense, it was too late, and “The Teacher” was never late, when it came to saving his own skin.
Or it was some ploy of the govt to bring out some more information out of me, I had actually given out whatever little I knew, not that it helped them in anyway, “The Teacher” had made sure that even if we get caught and break down, we would never be able to lead them to him, and that’s what had happened, I was of no use to them anymore, so who was this person in my cell??
“I don’t represent the govt, if that’s what you are thinking, I despise them as much as you do, not for what they are or what they do, but what they have become, what they have made out of the system, neither do I work for anybody else who makes irrelevant claims, I bow to no one, but for the Almighty, because I owe my life to no one but for Him”, he said as if reading my mind
I preferred not to speak again
“Well, you can choose not to speak, you have made a lot of choices some right and some outright terrible ones and this could be the last of them. I have no qualms about that, but I sure want to make full use of this opportunity that has presented itself, not everyday does someone as insignificant as me gets a chance to be in the company of a rogue like you ”
He was getting on to my nerves; I for sure was not looking forward to this kind of a torture, I wasn’t trained for something like this, I wondered if even The Teacher himself would have been able to endure something like this.
“You seem to know a lot about me”, I said.
“Oh, so you do talk! Well that sure is a beginning, yes you are a sensation; even a beggar walking on the streets knows about you, you should give the media their due credit for having the guts to have made a national issue out of you”
“What is it that you want from me, I enquired”?
“Nothing”, he said, with a wide grin glowing on his dark face as he shrugged his shoulders as if to signal, that he hardly cared and kept quiet
There was silence for a long time after that; I could feel his strong unwavering gaze on me, I could feel the warmth of it, as if it was trying to melt all the anger, frustration and disappointment that I had harbored inside me since time immemorial. I needed to talk to someone, I had been wanting to, for quite some time now, there were so many things that I wanted to say, but no one to hear me out, the courts hardly cared for how I felt within, my people whom I represented deserted me, as any association with me would bring about their downfall, the people of this country just hated me for my actions, the media was ready to talk to me but they needed information that would sell and increase their TRP ratings, there had been no one over the last three months with whom I could share, how I felt.
Tears started rolling down my eyes, I had kept them locked inside, never for once, did I let my emotions take over me, alas the cracks on the walls had appeared, I could not hold it back any longer, “I have pleaded guilty in the court, but that wasn’t enough, not for me, I don’t feel absolved of the guilt, neither did I feel gratified during the carnage, I did it with a belief, but that belief shattered that very moment, it was pretty late by the time I realized, I felt cheated, betrayed, by my own people, the people who promised me that this was the right way, this was the Almighty’s task, and that I was specifically chosen for it”
He listened to me attentively and enquired “What made you believe all of that, why didn’t you question them?”
“I don’t know, there was this feeling of not having what I deserve, and adding to that were The Teacher’s words of fighting for a cause, for the promised land, for the benefit of the masses, all that made me feel like I was born for it”.
“You believed in it, and so you did what you thought you had to do and yet you say you are unhappy, that you feel betrayed”
“Its just that, I don’t see the Promised Land anywhere, I only hear the sobs of my mother, and feel the gaze of that dead officer haunting me”.
“So, now what”
“I feel scared, don’t know if that act of mine was an act of cowardice, or am I being a coward now, am not sure if I have gained any respect in the eyes of the almighty and my people, because all the while I was made to believe that it was his work, but I have my own doubts on that now, or would he also despise me just like everybody else in this world does, in that case my life, my sacrifices, everything would be a total waste.
“I was made to believe that I was fighting His war, but now, as I see the same people who made me what I am today, turning their backs on me, I somehow feel that even He is going to turn away from me, and that is something that pains me”.
“Hmm, yet, don’t you think its too late now, to ponder over it, you should have thought about all these things before you took The Teacher’s words for granted, hasn’t the almighty given you a brain to think, to discriminate between the right and the wrong, to make a choice, to carve your own path to reach him”
I was already on my knees, with my hands covering my face, I could not face him, I could not bear the fact that I had made a terrible mistake, I knew it even before I accepted The Teacher’s proposal, the day he spoke to us at the completion of our training, but something told me that that was a good enough cause to die for, was it my innocence, was it my arrogance or maybe it was just a delusion, he made us believe that we were born to lead our people, born to fight our enemies and born to punish the infidels who defied the will of the lord Almighty.
I wanted to pray, I wanted to ask for forgiveness, forgiveness for my innocence, for my ignorance, for my stupidity
“Oh God, What has been done cannot be undone and the responsibility of those sins have to be carried by me, but then, cant I be provided with one opportunity to make amends, all I ask you is not to turn away from me, This world despises me, calls me names, and spits on my face, and I deserve every bit of this treatment, I will accept every punishment with a smile on my face not because I don’t fear, but because I am assured that you my lord will give me a chance to prove my worth to you, you my lord have every right to be upset with me, but I plead you my lord not to give up hope on me, all I ask of you my lord is not to turn away from me”.
By this time he was also kneeling besides me with his hands stretched out in the direction of the sky, together we prayed for some time.
“Let the almighty lord be with you, Amen”, was all he said at the end.
Just then the doors of my cell opened, and the guard walked in, I could see behind him that the sun had risen and with it had brought in a new day a day with hope for a better future
“Its time, we are ready”, the guard said.
I looked around the cell for my companion to wish him Good bye, but he was nowhere to be seen, I realized at my own foolishness wiped off the tears, which were flowing out, smiled and replied back to the guard and said,
“So am I”.
I was escorted back to my 4 X 8 cell, where I had been put up since the day the trial ended, it had been a dreadful period, the memory of which was like an appalling nightmare, the hours of interrogation, the torture, the cross examinations and the written statements it was a never ending cycle, But all of it ceased in a slow and phased manner once the judgment was given, “To be hanged till death”, the whole court gave a sigh of relief, the lawyer defending me seemed like he had no remorse about having lost the case, infact right from the first day of the trial, he appeared as if he had no intention or will to win the case at all, on the contrary, he did put in a lot of effort, I didn’t feel like blaming him, what more could he have done?
Finally the day was nearing, the day that “The Teacher” had promised, It would have come much earlier, similar to my companions, had it not been for that brave officer, who held on to me even after I had emptied all my bullets into his body, his grip as strong as that of a lion’s on its prey, all my training, all my strength proved futile, nothing that I had learnt could free me from his clutches, and his ferocious gaze, it has been haunting me since that fateful day.
The solitary confinement had given me an opportunity to think, to introspect, it was as if I had always missed this aspect of myself, as if I had ignored this part of me, but now with time on my side, I had started to discover a different part of myself, sometimes I dreaded it, sometimes I questioned my beliefs, my actions, The Teacher’s teachings, was there any truth in whatever he had proclaimed and preached?
As the door to my cell closed behind me and the same old darkness prevailed, I dragged myself to the concrete bed cemented to the wall, and sat on it, I could sense the presence of death all around me, it was right there just waiting for the opportune moment to cast the noose around my neck, I could feel the cacophony of the vultures hovering over the sky waiting for my body to disintegrate, I wasn’t able to determine what that thin strand of emotion was, that was keeping me alive and wait for the inevitable to happen, was it fear, or was it a deep sense of remorse? With such vague and disturbing thoughts bothering my already cluttered mind I rose to take some water from the earthen pot and God was I shocked to see him standing there right against the stone wall, I almost lost my balance and stumbled on to the ground.
Who are you, and what in God’s name are you doing here? I asked trying to regain my balance and my senses.
He just smiled, and said, “I am supposed to be your new cell mate, did you expect some formal introduction or something”.
I couldn’t make out much of him in the darkness; all I could make out was that he was also dressed in prison clothes, just like me.
“I haven’t had a cell mate for the last three months, why would they accommodate one for tonight”, I asked still trying to see his face, which was hidden in the dark
“That’s one hell of a question, let me see, hmm, Probably they realized that, you cant cause them any more trouble, how about this, maybe they thought you needed some company, or maybe they wanted me to make sure you didn’t try anything stupid, Dumb-head, how do I know what made them put me as a cell mate to an already finished, spineless coward”.
I had heard a lot of such filthy names, since the day I was apprehended, over a period of time I had got used to it, yet, don’t know why coming from him made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.
Not knowing how to react, I went to the door, and banged on it, to draw the attention of the guard on duty, I for so much wanted to ask this guy to be removed, I was happy the way I was, I didn’t need any company, at least not tonight, but there was no response from the other side, they just didn’t seem to bother.
“Looks like, we are left with no other choice but to spend your last night in this world together huh!!” he exclaimed.
I refrained from responding to his comments, there were a lot of thoughts going through my mind, what if he was someone sent by “The Teacher” to make sure of my end, but that didn’t make any sense, it was too late, and “The Teacher” was never late, when it came to saving his own skin.
Or it was some ploy of the govt to bring out some more information out of me, I had actually given out whatever little I knew, not that it helped them in anyway, “The Teacher” had made sure that even if we get caught and break down, we would never be able to lead them to him, and that’s what had happened, I was of no use to them anymore, so who was this person in my cell??
“I don’t represent the govt, if that’s what you are thinking, I despise them as much as you do, not for what they are or what they do, but what they have become, what they have made out of the system, neither do I work for anybody else who makes irrelevant claims, I bow to no one, but for the Almighty, because I owe my life to no one but for Him”, he said as if reading my mind
I preferred not to speak again
“Well, you can choose not to speak, you have made a lot of choices some right and some outright terrible ones and this could be the last of them. I have no qualms about that, but I sure want to make full use of this opportunity that has presented itself, not everyday does someone as insignificant as me gets a chance to be in the company of a rogue like you ”
He was getting on to my nerves; I for sure was not looking forward to this kind of a torture, I wasn’t trained for something like this, I wondered if even The Teacher himself would have been able to endure something like this.
“You seem to know a lot about me”, I said.
“Oh, so you do talk! Well that sure is a beginning, yes you are a sensation; even a beggar walking on the streets knows about you, you should give the media their due credit for having the guts to have made a national issue out of you”
“What is it that you want from me, I enquired”?
“Nothing”, he said, with a wide grin glowing on his dark face as he shrugged his shoulders as if to signal, that he hardly cared and kept quiet
There was silence for a long time after that; I could feel his strong unwavering gaze on me, I could feel the warmth of it, as if it was trying to melt all the anger, frustration and disappointment that I had harbored inside me since time immemorial. I needed to talk to someone, I had been wanting to, for quite some time now, there were so many things that I wanted to say, but no one to hear me out, the courts hardly cared for how I felt within, my people whom I represented deserted me, as any association with me would bring about their downfall, the people of this country just hated me for my actions, the media was ready to talk to me but they needed information that would sell and increase their TRP ratings, there had been no one over the last three months with whom I could share, how I felt.
Tears started rolling down my eyes, I had kept them locked inside, never for once, did I let my emotions take over me, alas the cracks on the walls had appeared, I could not hold it back any longer, “I have pleaded guilty in the court, but that wasn’t enough, not for me, I don’t feel absolved of the guilt, neither did I feel gratified during the carnage, I did it with a belief, but that belief shattered that very moment, it was pretty late by the time I realized, I felt cheated, betrayed, by my own people, the people who promised me that this was the right way, this was the Almighty’s task, and that I was specifically chosen for it”
He listened to me attentively and enquired “What made you believe all of that, why didn’t you question them?”
“I don’t know, there was this feeling of not having what I deserve, and adding to that were The Teacher’s words of fighting for a cause, for the promised land, for the benefit of the masses, all that made me feel like I was born for it”.
“You believed in it, and so you did what you thought you had to do and yet you say you are unhappy, that you feel betrayed”
“Its just that, I don’t see the Promised Land anywhere, I only hear the sobs of my mother, and feel the gaze of that dead officer haunting me”.
“So, now what”
“I feel scared, don’t know if that act of mine was an act of cowardice, or am I being a coward now, am not sure if I have gained any respect in the eyes of the almighty and my people, because all the while I was made to believe that it was his work, but I have my own doubts on that now, or would he also despise me just like everybody else in this world does, in that case my life, my sacrifices, everything would be a total waste.
“I was made to believe that I was fighting His war, but now, as I see the same people who made me what I am today, turning their backs on me, I somehow feel that even He is going to turn away from me, and that is something that pains me”.
“Hmm, yet, don’t you think its too late now, to ponder over it, you should have thought about all these things before you took The Teacher’s words for granted, hasn’t the almighty given you a brain to think, to discriminate between the right and the wrong, to make a choice, to carve your own path to reach him”
I was already on my knees, with my hands covering my face, I could not face him, I could not bear the fact that I had made a terrible mistake, I knew it even before I accepted The Teacher’s proposal, the day he spoke to us at the completion of our training, but something told me that that was a good enough cause to die for, was it my innocence, was it my arrogance or maybe it was just a delusion, he made us believe that we were born to lead our people, born to fight our enemies and born to punish the infidels who defied the will of the lord Almighty.
I wanted to pray, I wanted to ask for forgiveness, forgiveness for my innocence, for my ignorance, for my stupidity
“Oh God, What has been done cannot be undone and the responsibility of those sins have to be carried by me, but then, cant I be provided with one opportunity to make amends, all I ask you is not to turn away from me, This world despises me, calls me names, and spits on my face, and I deserve every bit of this treatment, I will accept every punishment with a smile on my face not because I don’t fear, but because I am assured that you my lord will give me a chance to prove my worth to you, you my lord have every right to be upset with me, but I plead you my lord not to give up hope on me, all I ask of you my lord is not to turn away from me”.
By this time he was also kneeling besides me with his hands stretched out in the direction of the sky, together we prayed for some time.
“Let the almighty lord be with you, Amen”, was all he said at the end.
Just then the doors of my cell opened, and the guard walked in, I could see behind him that the sun had risen and with it had brought in a new day a day with hope for a better future
“Its time, we are ready”, the guard said.
I looked around the cell for my companion to wish him Good bye, but he was nowhere to be seen, I realized at my own foolishness wiped off the tears, which were flowing out, smiled and replied back to the guard and said,
“So am I”.
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